the Addison Recorder

Pop culture dispatches from the Great Lakes

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Pop culture dispatches from the Great Lakes

Soccer

Alex and Luke Go Box to Box: 10/2/15 Edition

October 2, 2015 by Alex Bean Leave a Comment

Alex Bean decided to get into soccer last year and chose Chelsea for no good reason at all. Luke De Smet had chosen Arsenal a few years prior for slightly better reason. Their eternal enmity now engaged, the pair will now write a soccer column for us. How nice. Let’s hope there’s no tie-flipping.

Alex: When last we spoke Manchester City had run out to a dominating early lead in the Premier League and looked set to just run away with the title. No challenger seemed to beckon and the Citizens were playing so well that it might not have even mattered. Since then, well…things have changed. Luke, I believe you have a story for me about the new league leaders?

hi-res-a3abecdf67223e5eda8ec04e618aefe4_crop_north

Juan Mata is basically a soccer-playing elf, so it fits our story.

[Read more…]

Posted in: Box to Box, Soccer, Sports Tagged: Box to Box, Luke De Smet, Soccer

Alex and Luke Go Box to Box: 8/28/15 Edition

August 28, 2015 by Alex Bean Leave a Comment

Alex Bean decided to get into soccer last year and chose Chelsea for no good reason at all. Luke De Smet had chosen Arsenal a few years prior for slightly better reason. Their eternal enmity now engaged, the pair will now write a soccer column for us. How nice. Let’s hope there’s no tie-flipping.

After a brief two-month hiatus, European club soccer came roaring back to life on August 1st. Alex and Luke have let the first few weeks play out before sitting down to write, so this first column will run rapid-fire through their thoughts, complaints, and observations about the season’s first month.

Sad John Terry makes so many other people happy.

Chelsea start their Premier League title defense by giving up on playing defense, surrendering 7 in the 1st 3 matches

Alex: This has been a deeply upsetting surprise. When I climbed about the H.M.S. Chelsea a year ago it was because I was fleeing the disaster that had become Michigan football. Now Chelsea is giving up the ghost and becoming incompetent overnight as well? I feel like my only recourse is to switch allegiance to Arsenal to carry the curse onto them. The most visible culprits have been the central defenders, Gary Cahill and John Terry. Cahill has already been removed as a starter and Terry got benched and then red-carded in consecutive weeks. That’s a very far cry from playing every minute of the League season a year ago. The best hope I have right now is for a karma thing, where Michigan rises as Chelsea sinks.

Luke: I think the thin midfield is hurting them as much as anything– as in year one of Jose’s return when he lacked a credible striker, all cogs need to be functioning for the machine to work. Time to buy Pogba!

Alex: Also, it was fun to joshingly cheer for an asshole manager when they won easily. Jose Mourinho is transparently a callous and vain garbage person, but a fan can love that. He was our special jerkwad, and as long as the wins rolled in there was fun to be had. I mean, my first week paying attention was the fight with Wenger! I miss those days. Now I just feel like a bad person to support Chelsea while Mourinho publicly and needlessly attacks his own medical staff for doing their jobs. Not a great look.

Luke: This sort of seems to be the pattern with Jose– he certainly never leaves due to a lack of result, folks just get sick of him after three years are so. His first year back even I wanted to like him, as the master-trolling heel of the Premier League. But at this point he’s just too dreary to be funny. Though to be fair his inexplicable beef with Rafa Benítez’s wife is pretty solid.

Would you like some beefcake with the buckets of goals Agüero will score this year.

Manchester City start the season by being terrifying

Alex: I am loathe to bring this up, because it will make Travis yell “UP MAN CITY!” in my ear, but…holy smokes. They’ve looked unstoppable in these first few weeks. Last spring they collapsed pretty badly and failed to mount a serious title challenge after drawing even with Chelsea on January 1st. Some R&R has apparently done them wonders, though. Well, I suppose the addition of Raheem Sterling for a crazy amount of money has helped as well, but a lot of their mastery is being driven by the older hands of Silva, Toure, Kompany, and Agüero. I see them making a big racket in England and the continent this year.

Luke: And now they’ve seemingly added De Bruyne for $90 million, which would be insane for any team that has to keep a budget, but nonetheless further cements City as huge title favorites. And what’s money to them, anyway. It seems like the dream of financial fair play managed to last…one season.

Happy Leicester City wishes you would join them in their happiness.

Fine, so Chelsea is bad and Man City are good. What about the little squads in the Premier League. Also, has Alex banned Luke from mentioned the Gunners?

Alex: I’m rooting for both Crystal Palace or Leicester City to keep their early start going and land in the top ten. They’ve both been on a roll since the new year, since both faced relegation when 2014 ended and have gobbled up tons of points ever since. Both sit in the top 5 after 3 weeks, which obviously cannot last. But I don’t think they will fall too far. Palace could even stretch and grab a Europa League spot, leaving the Hammers (I’d guess) as the only London team to miss out on Europe these days.

Luke: I think a lot of Americans are put off by the rigid class system of European football. Here we want sports to be egalitarian, with salary caps forcing parity and draft picks going to the worst teams. Europe is having none of that: the same few teams win every year and if you finish bottom three they kick you the hell out of the league. But once you dig in there’s great drama to be had up and down the table. Look at Bournemouth, who play in front of 11,000 fans in a small town and in 2009 finished 21st in England’s fourth division. This year they’ll be fighting for Premier League survival and if they finish fourth from last you can bet their fans will be partying harder than City’s celebrating the title. Palace have risen from obscurity and are one of the most exciting teams in the league under Pardew, even pulling off one of the most surprising transfers of the year in signing Yohan Cabaye. Swansea won’t win you a title, but they represent Wales with a really fun collection of international talent, highlighted so far this year by Bafétimbi Gomis and his prowling cat goal celebration. It’s impossible not to love Southampton and their inexhaustible youth academy; just over a year ago they were coming off a great season only to have Liverpool purchase approximately 37 of their starting players, Tottenham poach their manager, and then the club bizarrely hire the fired head coach of the Edmonton Oilers (who play hockey, poorly) as the new Chairman. They then had an even better year.

And yeah, we can’t forget about plucky Arsenal, who represent all that is good and pure and will not let mere details like being one of the richest and most widely supported clubs in the world,that’s owned by Stan Kroenke and a Russian oligarch even richer than Roman Abramovich stop them from being the lovable underdog that will inevitably finish fourth. (But ahead of Tottenham, which is all that really matters.)

Look for this guy to be in powder blue very soon.

 

Twitter tells me there’s a thing called the Transfer Window? Explain or I’ll go back to NFL preseason games.

Alex: I’m unclear as to why the bolded narrator would be so cruel to itself. No one deserves to watch preseason NFL games. To their question though, soccer clubs buy and sell players instead of trading them like we see in American leagues. The headline-grabber right now is that the reigning player of the year in Germany, Kevin DeBruyne, seems set to move over to Man City in exchange for the opening weekend grosses of Inside Out. We mentioned that before, I know, but it bears repeating because it’s hard to fathom how one team could have so much money and so many world-class players. I’d guess one of the three other big English clubs (Chelsea, Arsenal, and Manchester United) will pull a rabbit out of their hat in response to Man City stocking up, though.

Luke: DeBruyne’s sale not only turns City into prohibitive favorites, but also makes the Bundesliga even less competitive. I imagine Chelsea have one more big signing in store, and probably United too, though the latter may be less inclined to panic-buy a striker after Rooney’s hat trick in Europe. (Against Brugge sure, but this is silly season so we take what we get.)  Arsenal and United both want strikers, but what else is new. Questions about whether Giroud is good enough, or Rooney is still good enough are silly really because they’re both clearly very good at playing soccer,  yet when people talk about who should be leading the line for the top team of the Premier League, the assumption is that it should basically be one of the very best number 9s in the world. Those players increasingly don’t seem available for purchase by anyone outside of the very top three or four superclubs. City have one, and if they can keep his hamstrings more or less strung together in the right way, so do Chelsea. But how do Arsenal and United get one, and how much would he cost? Benzema’s staying put in Madrid, but maybe if Arsenal refinance the Emirates we’ll be able to afford someone like, I dunno…Gonzalo Higuaín? Just please God don’t let us panic-buy Charlie Austin.

If you follow soccer then you can probably hear "THE CHAMPIONS!" in your head right now.

Finally, the UEFA Champions League announced this Fall’s group pairings. The gods demand reactions!

Alex: First, I’ll just leave a Wikipedia link here for those baffled by any or all of the words in the prompt. Second, these groups seem…weird? I know UEFA uses seeding and impartiality is supposed to rule the day, but the results still seem unbalanced. I’d still expect Manchester City to win through and go to the knockout stages, of course, but they got grouped with last year’s runner-up and the Europe League champs. That is a rough grab and whomever gets knocked out will have some legit gripes. Meanwhile, Group H’s is made up of teams I’d be hard-pressed to remember exist. I don’t think I understand UEFA yet.

Luke: Yet amid the chaos Arsenal will still finish their group second behind some Germans. Don’t act like the consistency isn’t impressive.

No Ajax this year though, proving that the curse of my fandom is real. I had decided over the summer to burnish my hipster cred by getting into the Eredivisie and cheering for the Amsterdam giants who win championships fielding teams with an average age of somewhere around 12, and who gifted the world the madness of both Luis Suárez and Louis van Gaal. They then promptly lost their Champions League qualifier. Sorry, Ajax fans.

Posted in: Soccer, Sports Tagged: Ajax, Arsenal, Chelsea, Luke De Smet, Manchester City, Manchester United, Soccer

Ranking World Football Leagues by How Interesting They Are

April 15, 2015 by Alex Bean Leave a Comment

The Champions League quater-finals are this week and most domestic leagues are heading towards their finales. In light of that, our friend Luke De Smet is back to comment on what football leagues are most interesting.

So with beIN Sports now playing a bunch of random games, I’ve decided to pick teams in a bunch of different divisions. Let’s see how many of them win trophies! I’ll rank them from those I have the least interest in to those I have the most: [Read more…]

Posted in: Other Sports, Soccer, Sports Tagged: Luke De Smet, Soccer, World Football

World Cup: Reflections and Final Predictions

July 13, 2014 by -J. Leave a Comment

It’s been a great few weeks of international soccer, and we now arrive at the apex. For one last time, Alex & -J. reflect upon World Cup 2014, and make their inexpert-but-enthusiastic predictions for the final couple of games.

2014 Reflections & Discoveries

-J.: As we approach the final two games, I’m both ready for it to end, but also a bit sad to see the end arrive. I’m looking forward to devoting my full attention to being disappointed by the Chicago Fire and demoralized by the Milwaukee Brewers. I’m waiting to see what happens in Brazil — culturally and politically — now that the financially crippling World Cup did not result in a 6th title for host Brazil. They laid out so much money and sacrificed so much of the common good for FIFA twice (Confederations Cup last year, World Cup this year), and are doing the same for the IOC (Summer Olympics in 2016). I’m going to enjoy the ability to pretend that Sepp fucking Blatter does not exist on a regular basis.

(image via Chicago Tribune)

But I will miss the fans and the coverage of this tournament. Chicago went outlaw wild for Team USA and the World Cup. I loved the ESPN coverage, which is no small feat for a network I tend to give the side-eye. The nightly analysis from former World Cup stars like Michael Ballack, and from the few American international vets like Alexi Lalas, was entertaining and illuminating. When the analysis would break up for the “last call” style of reflection, it was a perfect way to end the day. Hell, I could watch Lalas and Ballack go back & forth, even if Alexi needs to let others get a few more words in. [Read more…]

Posted in: Soccer, Sports, World Cup Tagged: Men in Blazers, Soccer, World Cup

World Cup Picks: Semis

July 8, 2014 by -J. Leave a Comment

It’s been a long, strange ride at this World Cup, yet despite that, we have a final four of teams that have regularly finished here (5+ times for each team). Not only that, but the combination of Brazil, Germany, and Argentina have more World Cup titles than all other countries combined.

Back again are Alex and -J. to discuss their inexpert-but-enthusiastic picks. Before that, naturally, we take another look at U.S. Soccer:

(image via ESPN)

Team USA’s 2014 Legacy

England Should Emulate the USA?

-J.: Before we get to the predictions, I wanted to reiterate just how topsy-turvy this World Cup has been, despite the final four teams all being expected powerhouses. Back in England, one of the big takeaways from this tournament apparently is… be more like Team USA. With CONCACAF advancing ¾ of its teams into the knockout stage, there was a level of surprise and disbelief, followed by “how can we get in on that.” It may be a case of hemispherical advantage (five of the six South American teams also advanced to the Round of 16), but it does seem that Team USA’s performance not only inspired fans at home, but also a few opponents abroad.

With that, let’s get to the picks. [Read more…]

Posted in: Soccer, Sports, World Cup Tagged: Soccer, World Cup

World Cup Picks: Quarters

July 4, 2014 by -J. Leave a Comment

Deep breath. Team USA is out, but the World Cup goes on. Before it does, though, we write its epilogue.

Team USA Departs

-J.: Uff da, where to begin? How about with the standard Team USA post-loss assessment: that we’re a young team with good energy, but the Belgian game exposed the fact that we weren’t quite ready for primetime. Knowledgable sports writers have posited that this is the takeaway from the World Cup 2014, and… it’s a little bit of bullshit, honestly.

To recap, Team USA had the worst travel schedule of all 32 teams, played in the most debilitating location (Manaus) more than any other team, sustained significant injuries to three of its most critical players (including its primary striker), and was stuck the ridiculous Group of Death. AND YET, Team USA made it to the Round of 16, where they lost in OT, 2-1, to a team that is a dark horse pick for the Finals. Not only that, they almost won in FT and almost later sent it to PKs. Not too shabby for a supposed not-world-class team from a supposedly fourth-rate continental federation.

[Read more…]

Posted in: Soccer, Sports, World Cup Tagged: Soccer, World Cup

World Cup Picks: the Round of 16

June 28, 2014 by -J. Leave a Comment

Alex and -J. did such a good job picking the 16 teams to make it past the Group Stage, we brought them back to predict the Round of 16.

(That said, “good” is a relative term here, as they each picked 10 of 16. If a 62.5% success rate is good, these guys are solid.)

To the picks!

image

 

Brazil vs. Chile

-J.: Every team in these first two games is from CONMEBOL, which means we’re guaranteed to have a South American team in the semi-finals. As the home team, it’s really difficult to pick against Brazil. They’re getting favorable calls from the refs, they’re one of the best teams in the world, and Neymar is scary-good. Chile had a great group stage, but couldn’t beat strong Dutch team. Chile also has yet to beat Brazil in the last 18 months, and I don’t see it happening here. Can you find a reason to pick against Brazil here, Alex?

Alex: Sadly, I cannot. I really liked watching Chile spank their old colonial masters out of the tournament last week. They looked young, aggressive, and confident; who could ask for anything more from a South American side? Well, you could ask for a history of complete dominance and a stupefying home-field advantage. Brazil hasn’t lost a competitive match within its borders since the 70’s. The 70’s! They will win here.
[Read more…]

Posted in: Soccer, Sports, World Cup Tagged: Soccer, World Cup

World Cup 2014: Evaluating Groups E-H

June 12, 2014 by -J. 2 Comments

Welcome back for the latter half of Alex and -J. making predictions which they will not be held accountable for later on. We hope you grabbed your favorite libation, as our evaluations make a lot more sense with a bit of alcohol in your system and a lot of sundry trivia bouncing around your brain.

Let’s get to it.

(If you missed the analysis of Groups A-D, you can find them here.)

Group E: Tropical Absinthe

Switzerland * France * Ecuador * Honduras

Alex: France has alternated between phenomenal and craptastic over the past four World Cups. Since it’s already been eight years since they lost to Italy in the 2006 Final, that means it’s time to sing La Marseillaise again. Which I’m down with, because that’s the best damn national anthem in the world.

Vive la France! Who will be carrying the baguettes for Équipe de France de football, J.?

-J.: I’m not sold on the French, though I’m not sold against them, either. I am a French equivocator. Switzerland seems like a great team every World Cup, but never “semifinals” sort of great. Ecuador is in South America, a thing whose imporance in 2014 I’ve mentioned repeatedly. Honduras is a CONCACAF stalwart that feels like it ought to maybe be some kind of dark horse if another team in this group implodes, so… Hrm. How about I go with one team from Europe and one team from the Americas to make it into the next round. Will that work?

Mourinho doesn’t think so.

Fine, José Mourinho, I’ll make some damn picks. Um… I’ll take the middle road and go with Switzerland and Ecuador. Geez.

[Read more…]

Posted in: Soccer, Sports, World Cup Tagged: Soccer, World Cup

World Cup 2014: Evaluating Groups A-D

June 11, 2014 by -J. 2 Comments

We are only a couple dozen hours from the start of everyone’s favorite 4-year celebration of burdening a host country with crushing debt and soon-to-be-rusting opulent sports venues!

No, not the Olympics. The other one. The World Cup thing.

Anyway, if you’re looking to lose money like a World Cup host, Alex Bean and I are here to provide some solid analysis that you can definitely throw money at. And, like a World Cup host, you’ll probably have a lot of regrets after you do. All that’s missing are the bribery and corruption, though Alex and I will gladly accept any and all payments of beer and dollars. You won’t get anything from these gifts, but you also won’t have to deal with years of riots. Probably. To the analysis!

Group A: Nintendo World Cup +1

Brazil * Croatia * Mexico * Cameroon

Alex: Brazil will win this group. That’s the Bean guarantee. (This guarantee will only be used in conjunction with Brazil being a massive favorite.) As to the rest, I think Cameroon will come in last because I know nothing about Cameroon football. So it comes down to the game between Croatia and Mexico on June 23rd in Recife to advance. I say El Tri emerges victorious despite their swoon of late. Who do you think advances on June 23rd?

-J.: I know about Cameroon football, kind of, because I was a kid obsessed with playing Nintendo World Cup on the original NES. Three of these teams represent the varying difficulty levels of your progression through the game: you start against a team like Cameroon, you know it’s getting serious when you reach Mexico, and Brazil meant you were up against some serious shit. (Croatia was still part of Yugoslavia at the time, so they don’t fit into this frame of reference.)

“Croatia’s right behind me, aren’t they?”

Besides learning about the geography of Africa at a young age, I also learned that American countries south of the United States are really good at soccer. So, yeah, obviously Brazil moves on. If it were any other World Cup, I’d also pick Mexico. But El Tri needed Team USA’s help just to qualify for a play-in to get to this Cup, and that’s not exactly heartening. I’ll take a chance on Croatia making it through.

[Read more…]

Posted in: Soccer, Sports, World Cup Tagged: Soccer, World Cup

World Cup 2014: Setting the Scene

June 10, 2014 by -J. Leave a Comment

Welcome to the 2014 Word Cup coverage!

Assuming you are reading this in the United States, and assuming that your soccer consumption habits are average for a U.S. citizen, you’re in desperate need of an expert or two to tell you how the World Cup is going to shake out. Maybe they’ll explain to you the different variations on the 4-4-2 formation, and what they’re good for.

Here’s where the Addison Recorder‘s coverage will differ from all others: we have no experts. Some of us are part-time soccer enthusiasts, and at least one of us could probably pick out Mesut Özil from a lineup. This makes us the perfect commentators for the U.S. audience — just like you, we’ve watched plenty of international and club soccer when our favorite (non-soccer) sports aren’t on. We know enough to take Alexi Lalas with a grain of salt, and to defer to the opinion of whomever doesn’t have an American English accent.

Yahoo! Sports hay have José Mourinho, but we have people who have an idea of who José Mourinho is. That’s the kind of expertise that you can kind of trust.

Right, then. I guess it’s time to start our actual coverage of the World Cup. Before I grab Alex Bean to join me in previewing all the different World Cup groups, allow me to set the scene for this year’s Cup. It’s not a pretty sight, so here’s a silly music video from a mustachioed man strumming a banjolele.

That was delightful. Now we get to wade into the shit of the World Cup. So, take a deep breath, because we’re going to start with the rotting, bloated corpulent Sulla sitting atop the corrupt Soccer Empire that oversees all this Roman-esque spectacle: FIFA.

[Read more…]

Posted in: Soccer, Sports, World Cup Tagged: Brazil, FIFA, Soccer, World Cup

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