Hockey

the Fifth Line: Rosen-Kane & Guilden-Toews are Dead

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Watching the Chicago Blackhawks eke out a victory against the Tampa Bay Lightning on Tuesday was a harrowing experience. Once again, the puck seemed bound and determined to give probability the slip. Chicago was approaching 30 shots on goal with nary a point in sight!

I joked on Twitter that the Blackhawks were bending probability worse than the coin in Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead.

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Then I realized that Tom Stoppard’s play was actually the perfect lens through which to talk about probability and absurdity in the NHL. Assembled below are aspects of the play, characters, and relevant quotes all mashed them up with their NHL equivalent. Despite the title above, Kane and Toews aren’t who I’ve lined up to play R&G — that comes at the end, naturally. Instead, Chicago is best represented by that damn coin.

The Coin: Chicago Blackhawks

A weaker man might be moved to re-examine his faith, if in nothing else at least in the law of probability.

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the Fifth Line: Shooting the Percentages

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The boys of summer have finally given way to the boys on the ice, and “the Fifth Line” takes over for “Thoughts from the Dugout.” It’s been a month since the NHL season started, so let’s check on how things are going, shall we?

State of the ‘Hawks

A month into the 2014-15 season, and the Blackhawks are… okay? [Read more…]

the Fifth Line: Shots! Shots! Shots!

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Alex usually has a NCAA football pick ’em column on Thursdays, but this week all we found were the words “Michigan football and grading papers make Bean something something.” Over and over. And over.

In it’s place, we have some bonus early-season coverage of NHL hockey! It’s a bit last-second, so I’m not sure what topics to write about–

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“ME. You will write about ME.”

Oh dear gods, what have we wrought? Um, maybe we’ll start here at home in Chicago?
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the Fifth Line: Gorilla Salad & the Flying Fenwicks

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Whisky has been poured. Fantasy team drafted. Grown men are skating around the ice, swatting at a disc of vulcanized rubber with sticks — and starting last night, that swatting counted in the standings.

The NHL season is upon us, and all is well.

Ryan Johansen is finally signed and suited up, every team is somehow under the salary cap, and Gorilla Salad is back in Chicago?

Godsdamnit.

Seriously?

Gods. Damn. It.

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the Fifth Line: Preseason Prospects, RFA Contracts, and NHL Expansion

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I type these words as the last day of summer fades into autumn-culled darkness. I have just watched Cuba Gooding, Jr., take his top off in the middle of a Blackhawks’ preseason game. And everyone’s favorite ‘Hawks parody account has returned to Twitter.

Guess that all means it’s time to start writing about the NHL again. I’m going to start this (pre)season with a few thoughts on the Midwest. Because I live here. [Read more…]

An Appeal to the Hockey Gods

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The Conference Finals, both in the East but especially in the West, were so beyond this world that NBC Sports had to turn to Gods of Rock & Roll to truly encapsulate the epic nature of these series. Not only did they turn to Queen and David Bowie to convey the proper timbre for these games, but they leveled up the epic-ness by using the acapella version of this song:

That’s about how every fan felt watching the West’s monstrous battle for the right to face the Rangers in the Stanley Cup Finals. As we prepare to sit in our living rooms, at our bars, or with our mobile devices, let us recount the legendary tale of how we arrived at this point. And just as a TV network turned to Rock Gods to convey the true joy and struggle of the Cup, we must turn to the influence of the Hockey Gods in what begins tonight.

Let’s start with…
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Teuvo! Teuvo Teuvo Teuvo!

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a.k.a., A Very Biased Look at the End of the 2014 NHL Regular Season from The Addison Recorder

Each NHL team has only 10 games or so left in their season, so the Recorder decided it was a good time to catch you up on anything you may have missed since the Olympics. Our resident kind-of-but-not-really-an-expert hockey expert look at what the likely playoff scenarios are, who’s peaking, who’s crashing, and… Teuvo.

Oh, yes, he will talk about Teuvo. Sweet Teuvo. Glorious Teuvo. Y’know what, why wait any longer?

Teuvo Teräväinen

The biggest story for final stretch of the Chicago Blackhawks’ season is easily Teuvo Teräväinen. The Finnish prospect is like the Hodor of the NHL, in that… Erm. Hm. Okay, he’s not like Hodor at all, aside from the fact that the only word he is capable of speaking is his name, over and over.

Um, well, uh… I may have made that up, too. Look, let’s just go with the Teuvo + Game of Thrones thing so I can throw in this picture of a My Little Pony-fied Teuvo riding a dragon into Westero… -side Chicago. We can get to analysis and other silly topics afterwards.

Yes, this is a thing. There exists a wonderful Tumblr known as My Little Blackhawk, created by Chicago artist / burlesquer / hockey nerd Ali Lawrence. You should consider it required viewing.

Now that the hyperbole is out of the way, let’s take a hard(-ish) look at the last few upcoming weeks of Teuvo’s the Blackhawks’ season:

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Olympic Preview: the Smartest Men in Hockey

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Hey, everybody! The Olympics are almost here! Let’s go to Sochi!

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If you’re playing Ticket to Ride: Europe, the Olympics are over there on the right, part of that frustrating Erzurum-to-Moscow corridor.

Soon we will visit the shores of the Black Sea through the magic of digital broadcasts with more sponsors than a fleet of NASCAR drivers. We will marvel at the beauty of Sochi, only a few hundred miles from the terrifying bloodshed in Chechnya. Our hosts will be the generous country of Russia, a land that provided forced free government housing to outspoken punk rockers. It’s a country that totally, not at all, what are you talking about, doesn’t hate the gays. They swear.

(In all fairness, Russia has clarified that it’s newer laws aren’t anti-gay. They merely prefer that, when in public, everyone pretends that homosexuals don’t exist. And anyone who breaks this illusion is summarily escorted to prison. There’s a difference, I’m told.)

… Sorry, I went on a digression there. Ahem. Anyway, let’s talk about the Olympics, where it’s all about peace, love, and Slim Jims.

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A Song of Rubber & Ice

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The Recorder’s Guide to the 2013 Stanley Cup, Round 1

I must say, I was having a smashing time in Portland, OR, last week. It was a lovely bit of relaxation after the awesome madness of C2E2 the week before. In a surpisingly beautiful weekend in the Pacific Northwest, I was catching sun and swimming in whiskey while I was guided around the Rose City.

Who needs to watch this so-called Gatsby film? Not I, for one.

Why, I even had the opportunity to catch some junior hockey – game 1 of the WHL championship series between the Edmonton Oil Kings and the Portland Winterhawks. I walked away from the game disappointed but enlightened by the following lessons:

  1. The Winterhawks’ jersey & logo look damn near indistinguishable from the NHL’s Chicago Blackhawks. This made it rather easy in choosing for whom we would cheer.
  2. There were a lot of scouts erm, former players in the crowd. It’s almost as though the NHL just held a lottery for its draft, and the two teams were chock-full of draft-eligible players.
  3. Making all those centering passes won’t do shit if you don’t have someone in front of the goal to put said pass into the bloody net! Looking at you, Portland. That’s a damn good way to lose by a few goals, in fact.

Thankfully, the Winterhawks also seemed to learn this last lesson, as they’re now one game away from winning the WHL championship.

It was upon my return from this West Coast foray that my fellow Addisonian broke some troubling news to me: it was his distinct opinion that the Stanley Cup playoffs were getting lost amongst all the flim-flammery of other sports – even the off-season ones!

A quick perusal of the Worldwide ‘Leader’ in Sports lent credence to my associate’s troubling observation. Item after item flashed on the TV without the barest indication of the Stanley Cup excitement! We at the Addison Recorder wish to rectify this situation, which is why I shall be providing you with our pop-culture-infused look into the NHL playoffs, one round at a time. Grab some whiskey (or whisky, for our Canadian audience), and let’s get on the ice. [Read more…]

No Madness, Only Hockey (pt 2: the East)

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…and, we’re back.

I think I’ve got everything re-arranged for those of you out East. Now to get back into character–

What? No, I didn’t see the Madness today. That’s kind of the point of this, isn’t it? My news feed told me that there were almost a couple of Cinderella stories, but I was distracted by the Women’s World Curling Championships. No, seriously. The U.S. team defeated Russia Thursday to force tie-breaker games Friday, and U.S. skip Erika Brown had a sick shot to seal the game in extra ends.

But we’re getting off-topic. This is about evangelizing for hockey, spreading the Good Word from the puck. We’re over in the East tonight, testifying about Crosby and the Pens, bringing light to the darkness in New York and Philly, illuminating the success up in Canada. The East is in an exciting race, with teams like the banged-up Ottawa Senators fighting mightily for points in the standings with every game. [Read more…]