NHL

the Fifth Line: Shots! Shots! Shots!

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Alex usually has a NCAA football pick ’em column on Thursdays, but this week all we found were the words “Michigan football and grading papers make Bean something something.” Over and over. And over.

In it’s place, we have some bonus early-season coverage of NHL hockey! It’s a bit last-second, so I’m not sure what topics to write about–

mascotweb11s-1-web

“ME. You will write about ME.”

Oh dear gods, what have we wrought? Um, maybe we’ll start here at home in Chicago?
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the Fifth Line: Gorilla Salad & the Flying Fenwicks

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Whisky has been poured. Fantasy team drafted. Grown men are skating around the ice, swatting at a disc of vulcanized rubber with sticks — and starting last night, that swatting counted in the standings.

The NHL season is upon us, and all is well.

Ryan Johansen is finally signed and suited up, every team is somehow under the salary cap, and Gorilla Salad is back in Chicago?

Godsdamnit.

Seriously?

Gods. Damn. It.

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the Fifth Line: Preseason Prospects, RFA Contracts, and NHL Expansion

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I type these words as the last day of summer fades into autumn-culled darkness. I have just watched Cuba Gooding, Jr., take his top off in the middle of a Blackhawks’ preseason game. And everyone’s favorite ‘Hawks parody account has returned to Twitter.

Guess that all means it’s time to start writing about the NHL again. I’m going to start this (pre)season with a few thoughts on the Midwest. Because I live here. [Read more…]

An Appeal to the Hockey Gods

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The Conference Finals, both in the East but especially in the West, were so beyond this world that NBC Sports had to turn to Gods of Rock & Roll to truly encapsulate the epic nature of these series. Not only did they turn to Queen and David Bowie to convey the proper timbre for these games, but they leveled up the epic-ness by using the acapella version of this song:

That’s about how every fan felt watching the West’s monstrous battle for the right to face the Rangers in the Stanley Cup Finals. As we prepare to sit in our living rooms, at our bars, or with our mobile devices, let us recount the legendary tale of how we arrived at this point. And just as a TV network turned to Rock Gods to convey the true joy and struggle of the Cup, we must turn to the influence of the Hockey Gods in what begins tonight.

Let’s start with…
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Teuvo! Teuvo Teuvo Teuvo!

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a.k.a., A Very Biased Look at the End of the 2014 NHL Regular Season from The Addison Recorder

Each NHL team has only 10 games or so left in their season, so the Recorder decided it was a good time to catch you up on anything you may have missed since the Olympics. Our resident kind-of-but-not-really-an-expert hockey expert look at what the likely playoff scenarios are, who’s peaking, who’s crashing, and… Teuvo.

Oh, yes, he will talk about Teuvo. Sweet Teuvo. Glorious Teuvo. Y’know what, why wait any longer?

Teuvo Teräväinen

The biggest story for final stretch of the Chicago Blackhawks’ season is easily Teuvo Teräväinen. The Finnish prospect is like the Hodor of the NHL, in that… Erm. Hm. Okay, he’s not like Hodor at all, aside from the fact that the only word he is capable of speaking is his name, over and over.

Um, well, uh… I may have made that up, too. Look, let’s just go with the Teuvo + Game of Thrones thing so I can throw in this picture of a My Little Pony-fied Teuvo riding a dragon into Westero… -side Chicago. We can get to analysis and other silly topics afterwards.

Yes, this is a thing. There exists a wonderful Tumblr known as My Little Blackhawk, created by Chicago artist / burlesquer / hockey nerd Ali Lawrence. You should consider it required viewing.

Now that the hyperbole is out of the way, let’s take a hard(-ish) look at the last few upcoming weeks of Teuvo’s the Blackhawks’ season:

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