Revenge of #ManningDerp: The Superb Owl Doobie Bros. Smoke-A-Bowl Live Blog

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Welcome back to the Annual tradition that nobody at all ever asked for, but is getting out of the sheer kindness of my heart: The Addison Recorder live-blog of the Super Bowl! (I realize that I’m a baseball, theatre, and film writer, but, like most Americans with a pulse, I have watched a game of football before. In Internet terms, this qualifies me to write anything and everything about the NFL. You’re welcome, Earth.)

This year’s combatants are the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks, two teams from the only two states in the union where marijuana is (mostly) legal. (Hence the title) It pits the fantastic offense of Peyton Manning against my current favorite NFL player, Richard Sherman, and the Seahawks’ Legion of Boom defense. In the meantime, you have Russell Wilson, the Rich Man’s RGIII, against whatever the Broncos have going on defense. I hear Champ Bailey is a thing that’s happening.

Let’s begin:

4:33 – “WELCOME BACK TO THE MUPPETS MOST WANTED PREGAME.” I don’t think the Muppets wanted this.

4:34 – Terry Bradshaw, your hat is bad, and you should feel bad. Also, Manning seems to be performing this interview in cold weather just fine.

4:39 – “If Peyton Manning wins this Super Bowl, he’ll be in the discussion for best of all time” If Jimmy Johnson ever gets a new toupee, it’ll be in the discussion for “shut the hell up nobody cares about you”. Seriously, he’s ALREADY in the discussion for greatest of all time. Just because he wasn’t in the right position to win a championship. Does anyone out there have any idea how freaking HARD it is to win a championship? It takes AT LEAST 24 people (11 on offense and defense, plus a punter and kicker) to be half-decent. When everything is working in sync, you get teams that win. Case in point: Brian Griese has a Super Bowl Ring, because he was in the right place at the right time. Tom Brady, early in his career, managed to not screw things up too terribly. Sure, quarterbacks like Andy Dalton (UGH) are probably a long way away from winning a ring because their talents hold them back, but let’s be fair when we say that Manning’s lack of more rings is not entirely on his shoulders. I reference “that idiot kicker”, several porous defenses, and…well, he kinda threw a turkey against the Saints in 2009, but STILL.

4:43 – This Rob Riggle preview is actually pretty funny…OH YAY ANDY SANDBERG! “BLOOOOOOOMBERG!!!!!!!”

4:44 – We’re pretty sure they filmed this on the “How I Met Your  Mother” backlot.

4:45 – Dear Joe Namath and Chuck Norris, Please stop doing things. Love, Travis

4:46 – By the way, I have absolutely NO idea who is going to win this game. I love Manning, and the idea of the greatest offense of all time riding all the way through to victory, while Richard Sherman is my favorite player and I’ve long agreed that Seattle sports teams have been continually dicked over. (The Sonics being stolen, the Mariners sucking, the horrible officiating of their LAST Super Bowl, etc.) Alex and Andrew, who are watching with me are supporting Seattle. Meanwhile, my friend out in Oregon, THE GINGER, is the biggest die-hard fan of any NFL team that I’ve ever met; seriously, nobody is a bigger homer for their team than he is for the Broncos. Consequently, I’ve been torn as to who to cheer for.

Also, I have no idea who’s going to win. However, I feel it would behoove me to make a pick. Therefore, I pick….Seattle 21, Denver 17. I’m okay with being wrong.

4:51 – WHY IS CLASH OF CLANS A THING.

4:55 – I mean, yay patriotism, buuuuuuuttttt….do we really need NFLers to recite the Declaration of Independence? Is this a thing now?

Adrian Peterson sounds like he’s had one concussion too many…too soon?

Clay Mathews has a future as some elf scion in The Silmarillion.

Andrew Luck, the missing link from Neanderthals to humans.

JJ Watt is HUUUUUUUGE.

I don’t want to come off as hating tributes to our veterans, but I sometimes feel that these super-emotional statements are used by the NFL to say “HEY, LOOK, WE DO CARE ABOUT PEOPLE NOW IGNORE HOW WE IGNORED THE BRAIN DAMAGE CAUSED BY OUR GAME AND THE RUINED LIVES THAT WE REFUSE TO PAY FOR BECAUSE IF YOU HATE US YOU HATE VETERANS.” By the way, the NFL is the worst.

I’m mildly surprised Chuck Bednarik is still alive.

Aaaaaand I’m tuned out. Because the Internet. (This can end at any time, please)

Although it’s better than the weird farmer tribute from 2011. THAT shit was wack.

4:59 – I’m instituting a boycott on any and all discussions of poor Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death until after the game. Because too sad. Also, if I keep Facebook and Twitter open, it crashes my ancient laptop. (Seriously, this thing is nine years old and held together with scotch tape. SCOTCH TAPE, I tell you.

5:01 – In 2011, Russell Wilson was kicked off of his college team. Three years later, I’m sure that coach feels confident in his decisions.

5:01:30 – At the very least, Russell Wilson’s hair is UH-mazing.

5:03 – Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are our broadcasters for this evening. In other news, I’ve started drinking.

5:04 – PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL!!! (I don’t think I’ve ever actually listened to him talk in my life. This is NOT the voice I envisioned him having.)

5:05 – Eric Decker is so pumped up, he not only has eyeblack (for a night game), he has nose black. Get psyched, yo.

manningderp

This picture had to be shared – because we’re not dealing with a normal Peyton Manning. No, this year, it’s Evil Manning, with his Manning Derp Face. (For those of you following at home, I expect #ManningDerpFace to be trending on Twitter, please and thank you.)

5:06 – WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. RICHARD SHERMAN WHY.

5:07 – First trailer is for Seth McFarlane’s “A Million Ways to Die in the West”. I’ve still not seen “Ted”, but the spot actually made me chuckle. More please.

5:08 – By the way, congrats on this year’s NFL Hall of Fame inductees Walter Jones (Seattle!), Andre Reed, Derrick Brooks, Michael Strahan, Aeneas Williams, Claude Humphrey, and Ray Guy, first punter elected to the Hall. If I truly cared about football, there’d be an article about this Hall of Fame. As is, I find the baseball HoF infinitely more interesting. And that’s all I’ll say about that.

5:11 – Queen Latifah has a great voice, but I’m tired of these giant production number openings at Super Bowls. This is an overwrought rendition of an overwrought over-emotional song. Ugh.

5:11:30 – Accusations of me being un-American should start now.

5:13 – Two commercials in a row using the Star Spangled Banner, one for a giant, Hollywood action movie, and one for insurance. Both…oddly effective. YAY AMERICA I AM PATRIOTIC I LOVE THIS COUNTRY VERY NICE.

5:16 – Metallica + Kurt Russell + 12th Man Flag = I’m rooting for Seattle as of this moment….

5:17 – …until they ran onto the field to The Verve.

5:18 – LED ZEPPELIN. I’m rooting for Denver now. Same formula, but add in Zeppelin and you’ve sold me.

5:19 – And Kurt Russell just dropped into the Snake Plissken voice.

5:19 – AND THEY HAVE AN ACTUAL BRONCO. SOLD ON DENVER.

5:21 – I actually have no idea who is singing the anthem. Andrew knows her. I am still indifferent – giant, overdone anthem coming up now.

5:24 – Called it.

5:25 – Speaking of things that need to never happen again, these NFL-McDonalds overdubs need to stop. I’m willing to bet you that none of those players have ever had a Big Mac in their private-nutritionist lives. (Well, maybe Jim Harbaugh in recent years…)

5:27 – Denver has six captains. Seattle has three. Meanwhile, Joe Namath and Phil Simms are standing there exchanging awkward, sexist stories over the coin toss.

5:28 – Joe Namath has no idea how to toss a coin. I shit you not.

5:30 – Most overhyped non-story – how cold the Super Bowl would be. It’s 49 degrees. In Chicago, we call that “sun-bathing weather”.

Denver will receive and drive on offense first. From here on out, you’re getting fifteen minute updates.

5:31 – 90 seconds of Ford Fusion commercial. With Rob Riggle and James Franco as…Rob Riggle. Congratulations, you’ve officially wasted my time twice, Ford. Way to go.

Not their ideal starting position…by the way, due to popular demand, 15 minute updates are out the window.

SAFETY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Manning Derp Face has struck again. That’s the first safety to start a Super Bowl Game ever. Seattle up 2-0 after 12 seconds of game time. The crowd is SOOPER pumped up.

Seattle on offense for the first time. This is the story that’s actually going to have the most impact on who wins, because Seattle’s offense can be….sketchy, sometimes.

Percy Harvin just ran for a healthy amount of yards…speaking of the sketchy offense, he’s the absolute X-Factor. Hard to plan for that if you’re Denver.

That’s Russell Wilson hitting Jermaine Kearse on 3rd and 9 for 12 yards. Red zone possession for Seattle. Raise your hand if you saw the Seattle offense scoring before Denver’s. *looks around at the empty room with no arms* That’s what I thought.

Russell Wilson ALMOST makes it for a 1st down, but runs out a yard short – OOH A CHALLENGE ON THE SPOT PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL!!!

5:45 – Aaaaand there’s the first of the random Bud Light ads.

Quvenzhane Wallis is shilling for Maserati. Somewhere, Joe Walsh is smiling.

We come back to find that Seattle has lost the challenge. It is, in fact, 4th down. Seahawks now down a timeout. 26 yard field goal to follow.

Strike that. False start. 31 yard try. Waste of a challenge, honestly. No real debate on that spot, regardless of what Joe “IMMA DOUCHE” Buck says.

Field goal is good. Seattle leads with a gifted 5-0.

5:50 – Late hit pushes the Broncos from their own 20 to the 35. This will at least reduce the inevitable safety to a slightly lesser possibility. #ManningDerpFace

Kam Chancellor is a power-hitting strong safety. Ouchies.

Not the best drive for Manning there. A 3 yard run and a couple of short completions result in a 3 and out. The defense is ALL over the receivers right now.

…what the eff is Need for Speed?

And now another Vampire Show. Goddamnit.

Apparently, Mark Cuban won $20 million betting that the first score of the Super Bowl would be a safety. This is why we are all poor.

Nice catch by Golden Tate for a 1st down! My prediction (though the score is shot) seems astute after 7 minutes of gameplay! I AM SO SMART.

The Broncos are not giving Marshawn Lynch a lot of running room right now. He’s trying to go full Beast Mode, but the defensive line for Denver is having None of It. Let’s see how that’s working after two more quarters of play.

To this point, Russell Wilson continues to be money on third down plays (being a yard short on the first drive non-withstanding).

I wonder how many people have cruelly predicted Percy Harvin to be the first player to suffer a concussion in this game.

I think..I think that was a flea flicker. I’m not sure. Either way, not a good play. The D-Line blew that up before it got started.

Oh, wow, he was sooooo open. Doug Baldwin halls in a beautifully lofted catch, slightly under-thrown. A bit more juice on that, and it’s an easy touchdown. 1st and Goal Seattle.

Holding pushes everything back. Andrew feels there’s been a lot of flags in this game. I feel there’s not been enough chips and guac.

A second challenge! Was it a forward pass? Or a lateral that was fumbled? We’ll find out after this commercial break.

Bud Light, you make my brain hurt.

ELLEN! You make my heart sing! #BGDMneedsEllen

And now Denver is charged a timeout after losing their challenge. I’m a little annoyed that we’re not getting the chance to look at these plays, because of the need for commercials. How can America be sure? LET US KNOW!

OOOH, almost a touchdown! Drop by Kearse as he tried to get his feet down. Good play by Nate Irving to break up the touchdown pass. Seattle will have to settle for a field goal. 8-0 Seattle.

GO AWAY U2.

Ooh, Earl Thomas is miked!….and not saying anything worth hearing.

Ohhhhhhhhh Denver is lucky lucky lucky. That fumble could have broken the Denver offense for the next few quarters.

INTERCEPTED by Kam Chancellor. Manning is not doing anything to show that he can come up big in big games. However, the Seattle defense should be the story at the moment. They’re playing hard, fast, and not giving Manning anything to work with. I feel like we’re heading for a 4th quarter showdown…unless Seattle blows this open on offense.

LOVE this Radio Shack commercial, if only for the ALF and Chuckie cameos.

That the second time Harvin has run for a first down. And it’s never been close. Harvin is that fast.

Denver gained 11 yards in the 1st quarter. 11.

6:15 – GoDaddy.com’s new commercial, featuring John Turturro, is SO much better than their old sexist pin-up spots. Good for you guys.

WHAT THE FUCK JIMMY JOHNS THAT WAS AWESOME. I WIN.

Aaaaand we’re back. BEAST MODE by LYNCH. A couple more of those and I feel like Denver’s D-line will continually be on their backs.

…..or not.

Alex observes: This must be for Broncos fans what it was like to watch Michigan football all year. Your columnist agrees.

THAT was rather blatant interference on Golden Tate in the endzone. Terrible. 1st and Goal on the one.

Marshawn Lynch is an interesting story. Essentially cut by the Buffalo Bills (he was traded for low draft picks), he slowly evolved into Beast Mode, becoming the workhorse of the Seattle offense. He is now rewarded for his efforts by scoring the 1st touchdown of Super Bowl 48 (to hell with Roman numerals). Score is 15-0, Seattle. (Hey! If they only score two more field goals, my prediction may yet be right!)

That commercial just ended with Tim Tebow drifting away into space. We’re calling it Gravity 2: Florida Boogaloo.

Normally, I’m excited by cinematic dinosaurs. Congratulations, Michael Bay, you and Transformers have killed my love of movie dinosaurs.

Kam Chancellor is down…but he seems to be fine. A little shaken up. Let’s see if he received a concussion. Also,who is the guy with the Seattle green measuring tape around his neck?

One thing that this crowd noise has done is that we can’t hear Peyton yell Omaha every single snap. One reason that they were able to dominate at home in the playoffs was because the crowd would go deathly silent whenever Manning was at the line. Here? Not so much.

That is Denver’s first first down of the game. That’s a weird sentence to write.

The Legion of Boom is letting the Denver receivers have it. Every play ends with the receiver being bodily lifted/thrown to the ground. Ouchies for days.

Here’s a lesson: when you have a first down, don’t dart and weave and try and go for more. Not when you’re down by 15. Demaryius Thomas, don’t try and break the game open.

Here’s another lesson: when you blitz Manning, he’ll figure out where the openings are. 1st down to Wes Welker. The offense is starting to roll.

Denver’s guard just took down a defensive lineman with a roundhouse kick to the gut. The call? Tripping, for 10 yards, repeat first down. That’s one step above “Dick Punching, 15 yards.”

It appeared that, to combat Seattle’s Cover 3, Manning was trying screen after screen. Seattle, filled with smart, quick players, seems to have figured it out. Denver now looks at 2nd and 22.

PICKED OFF BY MALCOLM SMITH! TOUCHDOWN SEATTLE! Mannng was hit as he threw by Avril, which resulted in a ball that had all the loft of a cinder block. An easy pick and grab by Smith, who was the man who made the pick off the Sherman tipped pass in the NFC championship game, results in Seattle destroying my point figure. This game is starting to have shades of Oakland-Tampa Bay in 2003. And we all know how THAT worked out.

Colbert is wonderful. End of story. “You were good.”

David Beckham is doing naked parkcour.

Colbert. Why did you just break America’s brain? By the way, kudos to whoever is planning for multi-installment commercials this year. They’re generally working. Except for Bud Light.

Did Denver just fumble that kickoff? He looks down…nope, apparently it was a fumble recovered by Seattle. We’re about to pour one out for the Ginger as they review this call.

Not sure what the CarMax commercial was for, but it had a clapping bear. I will at least remember it later.

Ahhhh, he WAS down. That alone might save Denver, because they HAVE to score before the end of the 2nd quarter.

A series of underneath throws is not quite the way to do it…

NOBODY on the Seahawks staff has any Super Bowl experience. You could have fooled me.

Roger Goodell, I hope you get frostbite, you evil evil bastard.

That’s the best throw Manning has made all game. Nice catch by Demaryius Thomas for a gain of 18. Two short throws later and we’re at the 2:00 warning.

Where are these postmodern homes that play all of this music over pure white walls? And what kind of people actually live in them? Does anybody actually want this lifestyle? I mean, a wireless HiFi system sounds great, but…

What are these post-apocalyptic snippets of fire and people running for? Somebody please fill me in! (On an unrelated note, whoever is running the JCPenny Twitter account appears to be drunk. Check this out NOW.)

To wit: Toughdown Seadogs!

ManningDerpFace becomes more prominent the closer they get to the endzone. Meanwhile, Pete Carroll gets more and more energetic. So far, this has been ALL Seattle. 4th and 2 and the Broncos are going for it from the Seattle 19.

I haven’t seen Manning this rattled since Ty Law was all but accused of assaulting Marvin Harrison. Seattle ball. Denver has been shut out in this half. Somebody on staff! Look up the last time that happened to anybody!

Okay, THAT was a fun commercial, Highlander. The Muppets make EVERY thing better.

And we’re now faced with the longest, most uneventful clock rundown ever. Coming up soon: the weirdest halftime show since Ohio State turned into a pirate ship! Sidenote – last time there was a shutout in the first half was Super Bowl 35 (fuck Roman numerals) where the Ravens shut out the Giants. Coincidentally, that was ALSO a lame Super Bowl.

7:00 – Everyone in the apartment is on a computer device of some kind. Twitter has ruined the Super Bowl for our parties…except for Becky, who doesn’t like football.

On principle, I ignore halftime shows, because A) I’ve been watching the game and usually understand what’s going on, B) because I have to pee, and C) I’m usually out of beer.

There have only been two previous 21 point deficits of 21+ points at halftime in Super Bowl history. Both were by the Broncos. Both times….well, you get the idea.

SEINFELD AND JASON ALEXANDER!

NEWMAN IS CHEERING FOR THE SEAHAWKS.

I love that Wayne Knight isn’t dead from a heart attack yet. Between Newman and Nedry, he’s got unsavory mailmen/computer engineers covered.

The Cosmos commercials have won me over.

7:09 – Halftime Show

Because the NFL realized that Bruno Mars alone was…well, lame…they brought the Red Hot Chili Peppers into play. On a related note, this might be the weirdest funk show ever.

It’s also apparently solar powered, based on what the crowd dancers are carrying.

So many kids doing things! What the hell?!

Well, at least he knows how to play his instrument…and it’s not even his main one! (I’ll be honest, I’ve heard ONE Bruno Mars song before.)

Opening with a drum solo is BALLSY. Solid choice. Dancing horns make everything better.

He’s got a vibe of 50’s doo-wop crossed with the Police. In other news, I know of nobody who ever asked for that combination. (I also thought this was a Police song until just now)

I’m willing to bet that those horn players aren’t actually playing their instruments….

I mean, the kid is talented, but I was promised Chili Peppers…More Flea, plz, kay thanks bai.

These songs feel like rejects from Morris Day and the Time.

Everybody at the Stadium just got Free Laser Eye Surgery as an unintended by-product of this halftime show.

See, when I dance like that, people just stare at me and wait for me to leave.

I was 4 when this song was big on MTV. On a related note, “Give it away, give it away, give it away now…”

Anthony Kiedis, your moustache is bad, and you should feel bad.

Put your shirts on, white boys.

Oh yeah, I guess this is a Bruno Mars song. Also, it feels like a commercial for Walt Disney World.

Hey, he’s all alone. Well done, Bruno Mars. You’ve successfully had an “okay” halftime show. Thank you for being better than The Who.

*overheard in the locker rooms, a phone call from Peyton Manning.* “Hey, lil’ bro? How do you Super Bowl?” The call went dead shortly thereafter, and Addison Recorder reporters were evicted from the premises. However, we’d heard enough. Just enough.

Predictions for the 2nd half – Inane commentary by Buck, Denver may score, and Richard Sherman will either make a big play like a boss or be taken advantage of like a rented mule. “OR BRONCO?!?!?!”

This WOW commercial feels like an outtake from an Urban Outfitters branch.

7:30 – Seattle will get the ball to start the 3rd quarter. On an unrelated note, Flea is now playing free safety for Denver after demonstrating capable leaping skills during halftime, as well as his usually deft hands. When asked for comments, Anthony Kiedis mumbled something incoherently while Bruno Mars warbled.

Rushing yards: Seattle – 72, Denver – 19, to go with Seattle’s two takeaways. These stats usually equal dominance.

………..is it too early to call game over? Percy Harvin just ran back a kick 87 yards. Denver special teams were utterly miserable, and nobody could catch Harvin once he got going. Score is now 29-0 in favor of the Seahawks, and I can hear the Ginger crying all the way from the Pacific Time Zone.

At the moment, I’m being trolled by actor Carrie Williams from Cleveland. On a related note, HI CARRIE.

It is ENTIRELY within the realm of possibility for the Broncos to score four touchdowns and complete a two point conversion during a single half of football; we’ve seen it happen before. Unfortunately, he’s playing the Seahawks defense. This could get ugly.

Right now, I’m sure John Fox is trying to find the circuit breakers for MetLife Stadium, hoping to conjure some Super Bowl blackout magic…

OH NO RICHARD SHERMAN.

…what the fuck was that horrifying dog doing on my TV.

YAY Goldie Blox! More people should be checking them out, because they’re a really fantastic company. All of my friends with newborn daughters should consider them every time Christmas presents come into discussion.

Demaryius Thomas is costing the Broncos the Super Bowl by not running for a 1st down when he has an avenue clear.

AH TICKING NOISES, THE APOCALYPTIC NOISE IS 24 RETURNING, GOT IT.

Kam Chancellor is utterly terrifying. Julius Thomas and Eric Decker have been just shut down this game. Montee Ball just lost a yard, leading to 4th and long. And Denver, down by 29, is punting from just outside the 40. Bean is castigating them. I proclaim “game over”. You CANNOT punt there if you’re John Fox. You HAVE to score. You’ve shown you can move the ball. Keep it up. Such cowardice is frowned upon by the mythical gods of football. Seattle just needs to NOT FUCK UP.

Bears eating yogurt. Always funny.

BEAST MODE. TIME FOR ANOTHER BEER.

Russell Wilson had all day there. Mostly because of holding.

That stop in Seattle territory was necessary, but the helmet-to-helmet contact by Woodhead on Tate was…well, medieval. That kind of hit is supposed to no longer be a part of the game.

Lawrence Fishburn selling luxury….I was not honestly expecting opera. The designers of that commercial clearly not only missed the point of “The Matrix”, but also forgot how un-topical that film is.

The Broncos have 22 minutes to score the aforementioned 4 touchdowns, 1 two point conversion, and 3 one point conversion to tie it. Maybe starting their second drive of the 3rd quarter with a run is not the way to go.

SEE? SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU RUN UPFIELD AFTER A CATCH? YOU GET A GOD DAMNED FIRST DOWN.

Nevermind, Thomas. Clearly, that was too much for you. That’s the only way to explain your fumble there. By the way, with an interception and fumble recovery, Malcolm Smith becomes one of the most out-of-left-field choices for Super Bowl MVP of anyone on this team.

Bruce Willis, what’s going on? Who is hugging you? Why is this still happening?

(I’m dreading that the legacy of the Old Spice ad campaigns is that commercials now have to be as absurd as possible in order to keep audience’s attention spans focused. It’s fun when it works…but just weird when it doesn’t.)

Peyton Manning, THIS is what happens when you make deals with the devil. You lose in the most heartbreaking way possible. Well, maybe not heartbreaking. Humiliating.

Seattle’s offense isn’t exactly OWNING the Broncos defense, but Russell Wilson is making all of the big plays.

HOLY COW.

Jermaine Kearse just scored the most amazing touchdown of the postseason to put an exclamation mark on Seattle’s Super  Bowl run. Terrible defense by the Broncos, including five – five – defenders missing tackles, means that the Seahawks lead 36-0.

Congratulations, Chrysler. You got Bob Dylan to sell out. A million old hippies just cried out in pain and were…suddenly silenced.

Things…things aren’t going well for Denver. There’s never been a shutout in Super Bowl history. That might change tonight.

Nope, no shutout. An amazing, spinning touchdown grab by Demaryius Thomas puts Denver on the board, and a 2-point conversion pass to Wes Welker makes it 36-8. Which is still a score that nobody expected. That also brings us to the end of the 3rd quarter. Seattle is 15 minutes away from going absolutely crazy.

8:14 – Even the commercials seem to be giving up. I’ve seen this Mythbusters commercial before. Therefore, watch this if you’re following at home. It’s worth it, I swear.

Also, for those of you at home, please please PLEASE vote Puddles the Duck for Super Bowl MVP. It’s a thing, I swear. There’s a movement. #voteforpuddles

puddles

Golden Tate, take a lesson from Demaryius Thomas, and when you have a first down, take it. Don’t scramble needlessly for more yards.

If that kid, Adrian, were given a Coke after running what seems to be three miles, he would vomit.

Also, Butterfinger just advocated for threesomes on national TV. For those of you watching at home, it’s okay as long as you don’t make eye contact. OR SO I’VE HEARD. #smokebomb #runaway

GOOD throw right down the seam, Russell Wilson. You have shown up on the national stage. We’ll see you at Spring Training in a Rangers camp. #baseball

At the beginning of the day, if I told you the score would be 43-8, people might think it was a Denver blowout. If I told you this morning that it would be 43-8 with Seattle winning, you’d think I was on crack. Well, here’s the truth: Seattle is up 43-8, and I am on crack. #notoncrack #PuddlesforMVP #votePuddles

I hate that I can recognize Johnny Galecki. #voteforPuddles

Hah, yeah, like half the people watching this show can afford a new car. (On a related note, Ben Kingsley, Mark Strong, and Tom Hiddleston selling cars is…I’m unsure of life.)

Now the calls are ticky-tack. That was questionable interference at best. In spite of the preponderance of calls early on, this has actually been a fairly well officiated game. The results on the field are the players playing each other.

COME BACK RICHARD SHERMAN COME BACK.

SHUT. UP, Joe Buck.

Peyton has a record for most Super Bowl completions with 33. This seems somewhat small, but on the other hand, he’s also got 266ish yards, which makes for a poor, poor average.

YAY ROBIN HOOD CALLBACKS! Thank you, T-Mobile.

I never cared about 24 in the first place, but I assume this is a thing that matters, so….there it is.

Oh, I guess I stopped paying attention. Has Puddles won MVP yet? #PuddlesforMVP #VotePuddles

Richard Sherman is doubtful for return to the game, due to a right ankle injury. I hope he at least comes out for the kneel-down. He’s my favorite. #ExceptforPuddles #VotePuddles

From 1st and 20, Russell Wilson ran for 15 yards. That says just about everything you need to know about this game. #VotePuddles #PuddlesforMVP

Just sighted the #ManningDerpFace. This game has….well, they’ve run out of commercials. That says everything.

8:45 – Aikman – “Denver…well…they’re just looking to run the clock down and get out of here.” Succinct analysis, Troy. Denver’s body language says it all: they’ve been beaten. There’s 4:00+ left, but it’s over/has been over/#PuddlesforMVP for quite some time now.

A Manning fumble leads to a Seattle turnover. This has been the worst line play by Denver all season, a line that famously allowed only 18 sacks of Manning during the regular season. It’s not been the sacks tonight that have done it (there have been few). It’s been the pressure, which is the only guaranteed way to get Peyton off of his rhythm.

WHO IS THIS ZOMBIE WITH THE TROPHY AND WHY IS HE SO CORPSE-LIKE MAKE HIM GO AWAY.

I’ve always been a fan of the Budweiser Clydsdales when used for comedy. Adding in puppies? ALL THE FEELS.

This game is so/has been so over, it’s just sad. If the Broncos do anything beyond several runs/short passes, I’ll be surprised. A stellar 4th quarter, this will not be. #VotePuddles #PuddlesforMVP #Itsathing #gonnahappen #destiny

8:55 – sherman2

“…Towering over them all is the judge and he is naked dancing…His feet are light and nimble. He never sleeps. He says that he will never die. He dances in light and shadow and he is a great favorite. He never sleeps, the judge. He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die.”

Congrats to the Seattle Seahawks, Super Bowl Champions. Condolences to the Ginger, Peyton Manning, and all of the Denver Broncos. We’re waiting to hear the Super Bowl MVP announcement, but there’s still time, faithful readers. #VotePuddles #PuddlesforMVP

At this point, I’m running out of steam and work at 8 am, but I am staying strong because I know my FAITHFUL READERS DEMAND COVERAGE TO THE T. On an unrelated note, pitchers and catchers report in roughly three weeks, so there’s THAT to look forward to!

On a related note to much of what kept me going through the 4th quarter, I just realized that I forgot to vote a single time for Puddles the Duck for MVP. #Puddlesfail Help bail me out! #PuddlesforMVP #VotePuddles

KEVIN COSTNER YOU BREAK MY HEAD WHY PITTSBURGH COMMON USAGE GRAGH!!!!! (general consensus of room)

Now the statue is being groped by all the Seattle Players as Marcus Allen escorts it. Well, that’s a thing.

ROGER GOODELL YOU EVIL SOULLESS BASTARD.

The 12th Man seems to be well represented in Jersey tonight. Like, at the expense of every Denver fan. Also, when did the 12th man become a thing? Because if it was before 2005, in the battle of fans, Terrible Towels defeat the 12th Man every time. But I digress.

PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL!!!!

Apparently, Super Bowl MVP was Malcolm Smith, not Puddles the Duck. Followers, you have failed me, but not as greatly as I have failed you by failing to vote. This is my fault.

Alright, friends, this brings the Addison Recorder’s live blog of the Super Bowl to a close. It was fun, lives were changed, and, apparently, #EsuranceSave30. On that note, good night…and good luck.

Travis J. Cook

Travis J. Cook

Travis J. Cook is the Editor-in-Chief and one of the original founders of the Addison Recorder. He writes about baseball, movies, and music, among other topics. He resides in a hole in the ground near Wrigley Field.

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