Welcome to the Addison Recorder‘s football Pick ‘Em column. Each week Alex and a guest writer will predict the outcome of the most intriguing games on the slate. He will try to be as expert as possible, but we make no guarantees for his guests.
Before we begin, let me say that after last weekend, rationality no longer applies to college football this seasons. When 11 of the top 25 teams in the country, including those ranked #’s 2, 3, 4, 6, and 8 all lose together then chaos truly reigns. No one knows anything. Least of all me, your wildly inaccurate host. So, with Travis joining me again for the pick ‘em this week, we decided to use a criteria that Katy Perry would appreciate: how dreamy the quarterback for each team is.
#2 Auburn at #3 Mississippi State
The marquee match-up this week, then, is a showdown between Auburn’s Nick Marshall and Mississippi State’s Dak Prescott. Makes this a pretty easy call, personally. Nick Marhsall’s not a bad looking fella, but he’s no Dak. Look at that square jaw! Those smiling eyes! He even pulls off the chin stubble. Bulldogs by 10.
Huh. This is our gimmick this week? Welp, okay.
Are you kidding? He’s got a neck that most closely resembles a redwood. Are redwoods attractive? I THINK NOT. Auburn by 10.
#9 TCU at #5 Baylor
This one isn’t even a contest to me. Bryce Petty looks like a nice enough guy. Cheerful eyes and another impressively square jaw. But he looks like a bit of a gump, right? He’s not the star of a movie, but the goofy sidekick. Trevone Boykin, on the other hand, looks plain smooth. That confident half-smirk. The cockily raised eyebrows. Be still my beating heart. Horned Frogs by 4.
Trevone Boykin be like “Bean, you complete me”. Bryce Petty be like “Yo, you mad bro?” I prefer the complete-me look. Horned Frogs by 7.
#12 Oregon at #18 UCLA
This one is difficult! Marcus Mariota is a bit more of a poster boy, but look at Brett Hundley’s smile! Makes me want to tell every joke I know just so that he will smile again. But football is still a gritty game, so I have to give the nod to Mariota. He has the better intensity face,which comes in handy. Ducks by 3.
Hundley looks like a guy who’s just happy to be there. Mariota looks pissed off because he just lost a football game to ‘Zona. In the grand scheme of things, I’m inclined to believe that the pissed off factor greatly increases the dream boat factor. Ducks by 9.
Penn State at Michigan
Okay, this is like the last thing about Michigan I can believe in here, but Devin Gardner wins this because he is a damn hero. Sure, he’s naturally good looking, but Gardner is dreamy because he’s so tough and resilient and humble that I would run through a brick wall for him. LIVE GARDNER IN OUR HEARTS IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER! Wolverines by 1.
Devin Gardner is a disgusting heathen. All things Michigan are disgusting. So let’s go with Pasty-Faced Hackensack or whoever he is. Penn State by 50. (Editor’s note: Travis is a jerk – Bean)
Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns
Brian Hoyer is no looker. And that’s coming from someone who looks like him. He’s gangly, is clearly bald in his 20’s, and has a cheesy grin. But at least he doesn’t look like a sexual assault-prone ogre. Ben Roethlisberger does, though! So fuck that dude. Browns by 10.
Seriously, fuck that dude. Browns by 2.