A lot has happened in baseball of late: Mo’ne Davis proving there’s no crying in baseball … except for the kids she strikes out; Jackie Robinson West advancing to the tops of the Little League World Series; and continuing struggles in the race for October. Starting September, I’ll update every week regarding the playoff race. For now, the new TV station FXX is marathoning every episode of The Simpsons, and the baseball/softball tribute/parody “Homer at the Bat” grabbed my attention, if only for the sterling line-up of major league guest stars. The episode aired twenty-two years ago, either two too many or three too few for a proper anniversary tribute, but I wanted to check in on what the Springfield Power Plant softball team stars have been up to.
Mattingly never got over losing his sideburns before the big game. Forever self-conscious, the former Yankee great continued obsessively shaving his facial hair and eventually his entire head. Driven from the game by his conspicuous baldness, he fled to Tibet where he became a Buddhist monk, practicing peaceful, well-intentioned ways of managing life. However, there are rumors his “sideburns” are becoming a problem.
Years of hypnotherapy took their toll on the Red Sox pitcher, forcing him to sign with the Astros. Even now, a certain San Diego Padres chicken mascot sends the aging hurler into notorious clucking fits. He set up a charity drive to raise awareness of the dangers of hypnotizing yourself into thinking you’re a chicken.
Sax remains at large, fleeing from Springfield after being accused of several unsolved murders. Though no evidence of his guilt exists, police Chief Wiggum is confident that Sax will soon be brought to justice. Sax’s hiring of noted mall lawyer Lionel Hutz hasn’t helped his case.
Though he missed the game due to unconsciousness, the incident at Moe’s inspired Boggs to take up parliamentary debate full-time. Immigrating to England, he became a barrister and, while successful, routinely gets into brawls when debating which of the kingdom’s many prime ministers was the greatest.
Griffey gamely limped on for years, supporting his swollen head with a contrived wheelbarrow. When it became too much of a struggle to cart his melon from the dugout to … well, anywhere on the field, he retired. He currently resides in Seattle, where efforts to calm his nerves following the recession led to a tragic relapse in his anti-nerve tonic abuse. You can predict the results.
Scioscia recovered from his radiation poisoning to become a successful major league manager. However, he refuses to emerge from the clubhouse during night games because of a startling tendency to glow a faint greenish hue under certain lighting conditions. He continues to manage and has refused any and all advice from one Mr. Burns of Springfield.
Ozzie Smith did not return the Recorder’s calls, we assume because he’s still somewhere within the Springfield Mystery Spot.
Jose Canseco also did not return out calls, though reports suggest he was saving more than twenty orphans from a burning building. Rumors of a torrid affair with Edna Krabappel have been wildly exaggerated and are therefore believed to be true.
Oh, steroids. Yeah, he totally did those. You might’ve heard about it. Again, when you hire Lionel Hutz as your legal representative, you should come to expect certain consequences.
Darryl continued to play at a major league level for many years, though in late-game situations, the chanting of his first name would result in such emotional distress for the professional athlete that he would remove himself from the game. This directly resulted in the Yankees winning the 1996 World Series. Driven into retirement, he’s established a small farm where he grows strawberries.
The manager of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team, Burns never allowed success to go to his head — success having already done so years ago. He continues to lord over the town of Springfield as a cold-hearted, benevolent dictator.
After his Power Plant escapades (and a three-day coma), Homer retired from the softball circuit, though he takes up the game every now and then. He continues to reside in Springfield with his wife, Marge; son, Bart; and daughters, Lisa and Maggie. He is the greatest guy in history.